Toddlers coping with divorce

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By Kendeyl Johansen

It's difficult to envision toddlers facing divorce. We want to protect our kids, to keep them safe from harm and to shield them from pain, but more than half of all marriages end in divorce. If you're facing a split-up, how can you minimize the impact on your children?

Toddlers are oriented to the present. They have little ability to anticipate the future so you can't prepare them for divorce. William Sammons, M.D., co-author of Don't Divorce Your Children: Children and Their Parents Talk About Divorce, advises parents to sit down together and tell children about the break-up but keep the discussion short. Long explanations will confuse toddlers. "Keep to the facts -- especially any concrete changes in the child's life, like where Mom and Dad will live," he says. "Show the child the new bedroom at Dad's, et cetera." Parents should encourage kids to ask questions and give children truthful answers.

Sometimes hostilities between adults erupt and kids find out about a divorce abruptly. One Canadian mother of four had to separate immediately after an episode of violence. "I sat the kids down at the table and explained that Daddy wouldn't be coming back home and that he would see them again when he settled," she says. The mother was honest about the reason for the divorce, but minimized damage by reassuring the kids it was okay to love their dad and want to see him.

Catherine Harrington of Nevada returned from a trip to learn her husband had told her three kids he was divorcing her. She and the children felt shell-shocked. Harrington managed to diffuse her children's initial devastation by reassuring them with unconditional love. She also told her children that the divorce was between the adults and she encouraged her kids to talk about their feelings.

Even if you're angry with your spouse, resist the temptation to bad-mouth the other parent to your kids. "Interparent hostility is very painful for children," says Dr. Sammons. Minimizing displays in front of the children is essential." Elizabeth Walker of Colorado makes sure not to disparage her ex-husband to 5-year-old Sarah and 3-year-old Emmy. "Find friends and family members to spout off to so that you don't bring the kids into your anger," she advises.

How can you tell if your toddler isn't coping well with your upcoming divorce? Some warning signs to watch for are:

• Sleep disturbances
• Tantrums
• Regression
• Sadness
• Relentless and new types of limit testing.
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